7+ Weeks now… beginning to learn lil’ Dante’s patterns and means of communication.  I can actually tell the difference between some of his cries now.  For example, “I’m hungry” is a more high-pitched desperate cry which can be quelled with a boob or a bottle, while “I’m sleepy” is characterized by lazy half-hearted wails which won’t stop no matter what you do.

But sometimes those cries will begin to grate on any caregiver, especially when going through a day of seemingly nonsensical nonstop freak-outs.  Even the most patient of mum’s nerves will be frazzled if she can’t seem to decode what the heck is “wrong” with her precious “happy” little bebe. [raising my hand].  Yeah yeah, we know the basics…an infant is crying because of only a handful of reasons – it’s their way of communicating.  But still, in the throes of a temper tantrum, we tend to feel helpless and long for Calgon to take us away. Away to anywhere, but somewhere tropical would be nice. 

So, with that in mind, I scoured the interwebs (as I’m known to do) for a succinct list of how to handle a screaming infant.   You know, just as a visual reminder when I, myself, am sobbing and hyperventilating and not sure what to do.   I cobbled together the following, tailoring it to my own unique situation and order of operations.

(Provided baby is not running a fever or generally sick….*note this is a list that works specifically for my child.  Results may vary.)

Flowchart To Help a Crying Baby

1.   He is  HUNGRY?. Try to feed baby.
No? Proceed to #2.

2.   Is his DIAPER dirty?
 No?  Proceed to #3

3.   Does baby have GAS? …a very common cause of mysterious, frenzied crying.
-Give stomach drops.
-Burp him
-Do bicycles with his legs – (many times this will stop crying immediately).
No? Proceed to #4

4.  Baby is COLD/WARM.
-Wrap him up, burrito style.  Or adjust clothing/blankets accordingly.
No? Proceed to #5.

5.   Baby is SLEEPY.
-Rock baby for a few minutes.  “Dance”/hum/sway with him
-Try the swing.
No? Proceed to #6.

6.  Baby is BORED as hell from staring up at the ceiling too long or being in the same room;
 (usually daytime, hasn’t been awake too long, not enough cuddling/attention)
 –  pick him up, cuddle him, entertain him with toys
–  take him for walk/drive
     or OVERSTIMULATED (nighttime or awake too long,too much noise/light/activity)
 – Adjust environment accordingly
No? Proceed to #7.

7.  Baby is UNCOMFORTABLE
-Diaper folded over?  Onesie pinching?
-Clothes tags scratching him. Clothes wet from eating.
-Cold hands/feet.  Hair wrapped around finger or something?
-Sticky face or hands.
       No? Proceed to #8.

8.  Try FEEDING him again! 
-Sometimes baby is so furious and in pain from hunger that baby didn’t realize it was being offered food the first time.
No? Proceed to number 9.

9.   Baby is throwing a GENERAL TANTRUM, has built up a lot of steam, and is pretty much crying because …he’s crying.
 -Repeat above steps…
 -Try pacifiers, baby slings, change of scenery.
-When in doubt, SNUGGLE SNUGGLE SNUGGLE!!!!
Do something soothing for 10 minutes and see if baby calms down.
    Still not working?

10. CHECK YOURSELF  Are you becoming frustrated, exhausted and angry by his screaming?  Hand baby off to your partner or another caregiver if possible.   But remember it’s okay to give yourself a break and let him cry for a few minutes while you calm yourself down.  Put baby in a safe place (Crib? Bassinet?) and collect yourself.  Smile. Breathe.  Return and try your steps again.