Pregnancy and subsequent motherhood throws you into a whole new and unfamiliar realm of consumerism, bombarded with clothes, food, gadgets, contraptions, toys, and other baby-related products that you’ve never heard of before your appointment to mommyhood, leaving you in a veritable no-woman’s land of confusion on what you actually ‘need’ to raise your child versus frivolous space-consuming items.

I found that one of those items that I ended up “needing” (which I didn’t know that I did at the time) was a specialized bra for those times I was pumping breast milk.  Now, c’mon guys, stop it with the heebie jeebies for a moment and put on your big boy undies because this is real-world stuff we ladies have to deal with right here.  Those physical attributes, big and small, that you’re so attracted to?  “Breasteses”?  Yeah they actually serve a special functionality – namely, feeding a child.  So, that said, sometimes we mommies are in need of extra help when it comes to breastfeeding.

I ordered this “hands-free” bra because I was finding that I couldn’t get a damn thing done, and frankly was quite lazy and clumsy, when I was stricken with the need to pump excess milk.  Well it turned out to be a lifesaver – so much so that I felt compelled to write my first amazon.com review, which I submit here for your reading pleasure:

Here goes…   

“Those promotional photos you see elsewhere with the woman using this bra and pumping milk while she’s happily tapping away on her laptop on the coffee table in front her?? Yeah, they’re true.  I don’t recall how I ever got along prior to purchasing this wonderous lactation aid, I kid you not. 

Aside from looking like a back-up dancer in a Madonna video circa 1991 (which may not be a bad thing), and freaking out your partner the first time he (or she) walks in on you using it whilst trying to modestly cover up with a cardigan and explain to them that you’re not into something kinky (don’t worry, you get over THAT quick), it is the most handy invention you can invest in, second only to the breast pump itself.  Yes, I tried to go the DIY route of the more crafty earthmamas out there who posted their instructions on the interwebs on how to construct your own pumping bra, using a worn-out exercise bra and strategically-placed scissor holes (just don’t accidentally use that workout bra again for the gym!  yikes!), but frankly it didn’t have the elastic might to hold the pump nozzles in place like this bodacious boobie bandeau!

Don’t be put off by the wide size-range this bra is offered in (in my case, XS/S/M).. it really does bridge the gap between 32AA and 36C with no problem, as the Velcro(tm) back closure allows enough leeway for your undoubtedly size-fluctuating “ladies”.

Important things that I couldn’t do while pumping before, that I can do now, thanks to my Simple Wishes Hands Free bra: 
-change the channel away from court shows; 
-feed my son on one side while pumping the other and shooing the cat away from my sandwich; 
-change my social media status to mention my amazement at my son’s gassiness; 
-look up “infant gas relief” online;
-send out text messages with 2 hands for maximum time efficiency;
-call in payroll without the person on the other end knowing what I was doing;
-and most importantly, reach for my coffee without spilling a drop of “liquid gold”.

A well-deserved and rigorously-tested 5 stars for this pumping bra.”

As of 5 minutes ago my product review was, itself, still being reviewed, so I can only hope that my efforts and self-induldgent word-vomit are Amazon-approved and ready for the viewing public.  After all, it was my little public service to womankind.